Women In Lord of the Rings

ACTUAL CONVERSATION THAT HAPPENED BETWEEN SCREENWRITERS

Ok! We're going to create an epic movie trilogy based on the most beloved nerdboy books of all time.

Whoa, nerdboy? It's 2001, yo, we're gonna need some strong female characters as well.

No worries there. We've got a really strong female protagonist. Her name is Arwen, she shows up for one sentence in the books and says nothing, and she's kind of the princess that the main character gets to marry at the end.

That's ... not great. Should we have her do something?

No. She does nothing.

What if we have her do one really cool thing?

Ok, I guess so. When she shows up in the first movie, we'll have her do one incredibly cool thing that she didn't do in the books. In doing so, she'll showcase powers that would make her extremely helpful throughout the rest of the trilogy.

AWESOME! So what does she do for the rest of the trilogy?

She lies down and cries.

...That seems like a waste of someone 1000x more useful than Pippin. Can we come up with something else for Arwen to do?

Hmm.... I guess she could almost die, but then not die.

What? Isn't she an elf? Who is immortal? And has magical elf powers?

It's kind of because of the magical elf powers that we're gonna have her almost die. I don't know. It's complicated.

...So are all the elves going to almost die?

No. Just Arwen. We need a reason to put Liv Tyler in all three movies.

I gotta say this sounds like a pretty lame female protagonist. Are there any other female characters?

Actually yes, there's Eowyn, the Mulan of Middle Earth. She falls in love with Aragorn after never inquiring about his relationship status, cuz he's a hot guy, and when he rejects her, she decides she has no will to live, dresses up as a man, and rides into battle.

Oh, what's her story arc then?

Copy-paste of Arwen's. She does one cool thing. Then she almost dies but then does not die. Then she gets married.

She gets married? I thought Aragorn rejected her.

Oh, yes, she gets rejected by the king of all of Middle Earth who she had the hots for, but it's ok because she gets to marry Faramir, the legendarily worthless youngest son of some crazy guy, whose main character arc is that he almost dies but then does not die.

Hmm. That seems kind of abrupt for a character who was primarily motivated by her love for Aragorn. Does she also love Faramir?

I don't know. We don't really let her talk much. We have an awkward hug scene between her and Faramir, but I don't know if that will make it into the theatrical release of Return of the King, because we need to spend all the time we can on the male characters hugging and jumping up and down in bed together.

That makes perfect sense. I'm noticing we have a lot of characters almost die, but then not die and be perfectly fine, and I am starting to feel like no character is complete without this arc. Does Aragorn almost die and then not die?

Good call. We can throw that into the second movie. We need more filler for the second movie anyway.

Yeah we definitely don't want to have it under 3 1/2 hours.

I'm not sure if the Aragorn death scare will be enough filler. Maybe more Ents?

NO. No, NO.

Ok, fine. How about Aragorn and Legolas get into a pointless fight?

Legolas shows emotion?

...For a few minutes, yes.

Alright, we'll just want to make sure he doesn't forget to put in his blue contacts for his big dramatic close-up moment.

Eh, I'm sure he'll remember.