How Orange Is the New Black Happened

Orange Is the New Black is a Netflix series based on Piper Kerman's memoir about her year in a women's prison. Do you ever wonder how it ended up straying so far from the source material? I know I do! I imagine that early on in the project, there was a conversation between Piper and her husband, Larry, that went something like this:

Piper: Great news, honey! I met with the production team today, they all agree my memoir is PERFECT for adaptation into a TV show! You know, the inspiring story of a woman who is unexpectedly arrested for some drug smuggling she committed ten years ago with her girlfriend, even though she's settled down to live a normal life with her fiance, and has to serve a year in prison...

Larry: Yes! And it ends beautifully with your term ending and you running into your loving fiance's arms.

Piper: Well... we're still figuring out the ending... um, I can say right now it's probably not gonna end like that. You see, we're changing some things, but still keeping some of the original material.

Larry: You're taking out the happy ending with me? Well... what are you leaving in?

Piper: Well, you know that one eccentric inmate I called "Crazy Eyes?" She's in the show, except, we're gonna make her BAT. SHIT. CRAZY. Well, crazy or mentally challenged, we haven't decided, we're also kinda gonna Rain-Man her up. She's our Emmy bait.

Larry: Piper, aren't you afraid the women you were in prison with might watch this show and be really hurt? A lot of them really looked up to you and considered you a friend. They threw you a birthday party!

Piper: Well, they're kinda like that in the show, except instead of throwing me a birthday party, they burn a swastika into my skin. We want my character to get nominated for an Emmy too. ANYWAYS... oh, remember how I ran into my drug-dealing ex-girlfriend who got me into all this while I was in prison? She's also in the show.

Larry: That's surprising they'd include her, since she's so much older than you, and you guys didn't interact much during your term.

Piper: That's something we're changing. We're going a younger, hotter route. Like, think the lead female from That 70's Show with tons of eyeliner and badass tattoos.

Larry: What? I don't like where this is going. Is this supposed to make the audience think that you might cheat on me with her?

Piper: ...

Larry: Piper!

Piper: Alex and I are the cutest TV couple ever! It'll play really well, especially since we have so much history together from all the adventures we had in our drug smuggling days. I'm the uptight blonde and she's my dangerous, sexy-

Larry: Enough! I don't want to hear any more about your fictional girlfriend. How could you do this to fictional me?

Piper: Hey, fictional you is an asshole! You watch Mad Men without me even though I made you promise to wait! You sleep with my best friend!

Larry: Piper... is this show your way of airing suspicions about what I actually did while you were in prison? I didn't do any of that!

Piper: I know, sweetie. There's just not really a place for decent men in this show.

Larry: Well... there should be! What if... there's this prison guard who's really a good guy, and he falls in love with an inmate, and she secretly becomes pregnant, and they secretly get engaged and pledge to raise a family against all odds once she's out of prison? That would be a sweet triumph-over-adversity story.

Piper (taking notes): Yes... we might be able to keep the happy story going for 2 seasons, maybe 2 1/2...

Larry (muttering): Though the way it sounds like this project is going, he'll probably randomly decide to ghost her forever and the baby will be taken away and there will be a big cliffhanger ending at some point where she's this totally broken person holding a gun and threatening to snap at any moment.

Piper (continuing to write): Hmm...

Larry: DON'T WRITE THAT PART DOWN! Piper, your memoir doesn't need all this stuff added to it. It could just be a realistic tale of personal development with some observant social commentary. Why are you turning it into a soap opera? Is this some kind of wish fulfillment? Because I'm sure people already think you may regret that you left this crazy exciting life to settle down with your reliable, boring boyfriend, and this show is making it look like you actually wish you'd dumped me for the 70's Show chick...

Piper: No, it's not MY wish fulfillment. It's the public's. Everyone watching is going to be way more interested in the storylines with me and my girlfriends-

Larry: Girlfriends? Plural?

Piper: Oh... yeah, there's a really hot Australian actress we're hoping to sign on for a later season. It'll be so scandalous when she and Piper have an affair.

Larry: Oh, so the pattern continues. You ruin your relationship with fictional me by cheating on me with Alex, and then you ruin your relationship with Alex the same way.

Piper: What? Oh, no, Piper and Alex work through the fact Piper had an affair, they stay together. My relationship with Alex, unlike my relationship with you, is strong enough to withstand my cheating.

Larry: That is it. I'm not sure I'm comfortable being included in this thing. Is my character's name still Larry? Could you possibly change it to something else?

Piper: No, it's too late for that, but don't worry, everyone will totally have forgotten that you exist by season 3.

Larry: I'm going for a walk. I need to process all of this.

Piper: Ok, honey! Bring back ice cream!

(door slams)

Piper: That could have gone worse. Tomorrow, I break it to my mother how we're portraying her...