In case you missed my last post, this is a continuation of a top ten countdown of TV's lovable idiot characters, ranked based on combined ratings of stupidity and lovability. I'm going to try to use more funny clips in this one!
5. Chris Griffin - Family Guy
Chris is the middle child in the Griffin family. What grade is he in? Well, that's currently being worked out by a team of specialists. He purposely gives himself nosebleeds, believing his nose is becoming a woman. He ate a diamond ring because he thought it was a lug nut. He can't read. (He knows the letters individually, but not when they gang up on him.) His vocabulary is limited in general.
Chris: How was your business trip?
Peter: Exemplary, Chris.
Chris: I don't understand what either of those words mean.
Stewie: One of them was "Chris."
That's okay, though, he's still going to be a success.
Dumbest Act of Chris
In the episode "German Guy," Chris befriends a nice old man named Mr. Gutentag who turns out to be an evil ex-Nazi named Mr. Schlechtnacht. Once his secret is discovered, Mr. Gutentag kidnaps Chris and Peter, and there's a struggle for a gun. In this hilarious scene, Chris gets the gun and doesn't know which of the two men to shoot because he has no way of knowing who is "the real dad," even though there was no implication that anyone switched places at any point.
Smartest Act of Chris
Chris's general greatest area of intelligence is emotional intelligence. He's had a LOT of girlfriends over the course of the show. To rattle off just those I can think of off the top of my head, the girl in Texas, the girl who looked like Lois, the cute vet intern, the heiress who got them into the country club, Consuela's niece, Jerome's daughter, the girl in Canada who no one believed was real, Connie D'Amico, and the one person even more impressive than Connie D'Amico, Taylor Swift herself.
You know what, I retract that. Connie D'Amico may be the most popular girl in high school, but she's dated Chris, Peter, and even Stewie. Maybe her standards aren't super high.
Anyway, some of these girls may have initially fallen for Chris because they mistook stupid things he said for jokes and thought he was cute and funny, but it seems like he's a great boyfriend in all these relationships and they want to stay with him because he treats them so well. Even when Chris pieces together a homemade girlfriend with a volleyball for a head and they go out on a double date with Peter and Lois, Lois is shocked at how much better Chris treats his girlfriend than Peter treats her.
The only two girlfriends Chris treats badly are Connie, because he lets the secondhand popularity go to his head, and Anna, the cute vet intern. Chris started out as a sweet boyfriend to Anna, but Peter thought this was making his son less of a man and taught Chris that he needs to show women who's boss and insult them in order to earn their respect.
Lois: Peter, did you tell Chris to be mean to that girl?
Peter: Define "Chris."
I guess Chris isn't the only one in the family who doesn't know the meaning of the word "Chris."
Why We Love Chris
Well, Chris rarely does anything mean-spirited. He joins in the family's neglect and verbal abuse of Meg, but who doesn't. There are a few times, though, when he shows genuine care for Meg. He's incredibly concerned that she'll hurt herself when she starts doing roller derby. And when Meg is hallucinating that she's a getaway driver for her hallucinated boyfriend Seymour and crashes the family car, Chris takes the fall for her. He tells her, "Meg, I don't know what is going on with you, but we're going to figure this out together."
He's not always so willing to sacrifice himself for his sister, though. In one case, it's quite the opposite. In the episode "Better Off Meg," Meg is believed to be dead, and Chris becomes the most popular kid in school as a result, with students and teachers showering sympathy and attention on him. He starts strutting around wearing a shirt that says "Dead Sis Who Dis." So, when Meg reaches out to Chris to confess she's still alive and wants to come home, he has her kidnapped and left tied up in an abandoned warehouse so his popularity can continue.
So, leaving his sister for dead is a ding in his lovability rating, but it's not the first time he's sacrificed one of his siblings for the sake of his own popularity. In the episode "Secondhand Spoke," Stewie witnesses Chris being bullied and not having any good comebacks, so he agrees to ride in Chris's backpack for one day and feed him lines. This results in Chris becoming popular, and Stewie considers it a job well done. Except, Chris won't let Stewie go. He traps him in his backpack and refuses to let him go, telling him when he tries to escape, "You're going to die in there." He does ultimately let Stewie go and apologize, but it's kind of too little too late.
So, anyway, who do we have next in our list who's much less dumb, much more lovable, and also friends with a talking dog? Why, it's
4. Todd Chavez - BoJack Horseman
Todd is voiced by the always lovable Aaron Paul. Before you start thinking this is another instance of the show casting a white actor when they shouldn't have, like their criticized casting of Alison Brie as the Vietnamese Diane Nguyen, Todd's character is white. He took his stepdad's name.
Todd is an unemployed, aimless twenty-something who stumbled into one of BoJack's parties one day, crashed on his couch, and ended up never leaving. They have kind of a symbiotic relationship, as BoJack appreciates someone younger, dumber, and far less famous that he can boss around and still consider a friend, and Todd appreciates being included in anything ("Hooray! It's great to be part of a sentence that someone says") and now also has the benefit of having a lot of wealthy and influential friends, giving him the money and resources to fund whatever ridiculous project he dreams up.
For example, at one point he asks BoJack, "Don't you ever wish there was a Disneyland?" Despite being told that there already is, he decides to build one. The result is something truly horrific that burns down pretty quickly.
Todd: And over here, you'll see Cinderella's pile of used mattresses.
Diane: Do you think it's a good idea to have that pile of used mattresses next to an active grease fire?
Todd: Where's your sense of wonder, Diane?
And then there's the time he decides the best way to cure children of their fear of the dentist is to train a bunch of clowns to be clown dentists. When this inevitably fails, Todd releases the clowns into the woods to be free, and the clowns become rabid. However, being ever full of ideas, Todd decides this is a good idea for a fitness company where people get exercise by running for their lives from rabid clowns.
Dumbest Act of Todd
Todd starts a business with his high school girlfriend Emily that actually ends up being successful, and they're able to sell it for 16 million dollars. However, when they go to a diner to discuss what each of them are planning to do with their newfound wealth, Todd accidentally tips the waitress 8 million dollars and is immediately broke again.
Smartest Act of Todd
I mean, he has some pretty keen reasoning skills sometimes.
But the most impressive thing that Todd has ever done, and simultaneously the stupidest, was to create a sex robot named Henry Fondle. Todd is a romantic asexual, so he wanted to be in a relationship with Emily, but Emily is not asexual. He thought the perfect solution would be to create a robot that is a horrifying mishmash of sex toys that parrots various suggestive phrases, so that he and Emily could hang out and then Emily could go have sex with the robot.
I mean, was this a good idea? Probably not, but it's pretty impressive he built a robot. However, when his plan doesn't work and he decides to throw the robot away, he proves his stupidity even further by forgetting that this robot is only saying what he programmed it to say and somehow thinking it is a sentient being, leading him to bring it to work.
Henry Fondle somehow finds his way into the CEO's office and becomes the new CEO of the company. And, in this scene, Todd is for once the smartest person in the room.
Why We Love Todd
Everyone wants Todd around (even BoJack, though he rarely admits it). Over the course of the show, he lives with BoJack, with Mr. Peanutbutter and Diane, and with Princess Carolyn. Even though he is a freeloader, he's a constantly positive presence and an eager sidekick, errand boy, and, when Princess Carolyn adopts a baby, babysitter.
Babysitting is where Todd finally finds his calling. As someone who is essentially a man-child, he gets along great with kids.
Todd's Mom: So, what is he doing for a living?
Todd's Stepdad: I think he's running a daycare, but he talks about the babies like they're his coworkers, so it's really hard to tell.
Speaking of twenty-something freeloaders with hearts of gold who owe their entire lifestyles to living with people wealthier than they are ...
3. Jeff Fischer-Smith - American Dad
For the first few seasons of American Dad, Jeff is Hayley's dim-witted and completely whipped on-again off-again boyfriend. In season 6, they elope, and Jeff moves into Hayley's childhood bedroom with her, becoming (sort of) part of the family.
How did Hayley meet Jeff? In one episode, Jeff states that he fell into the touch tank at the aquarium and Hayley pulled him out. In another, when asked, "He's adorable, where did you find him?" Hayley responds, "In a ravine."
I feel like the writers drastically changed their minds about where they were going with this character after the first season or two. Jeff initially seemed like just a gag who was basically the worst and most objectionable boyfriend for Stan Smith's rebellious, image-ruining daughter. He was a stoner who lived in a van, but he seemed more like a true dud than just an idiot. In one of the first episodes, when Hayley ran away and became a stripper, Jeff was alarmed because apparently he had dated strippers before and it looks really bad for the boyfriend when they turn up dead.
What is their relationship like? Well, in one episode, Hayley goes to a courthouse and gets a divorce from Jeff.
Jeff: Wouldn't I have to be there in order to do that?
Hayley: No, because I'm your legal guardian.
Jeff: Oh, right.
Jeff eventually runs into the other room sobbing hysterically, only to call a few seconds later, "Hey, babe, what was I crying about?"
Hayley and Jeff do seem to love each other, but it's an extremely codependent relationship. Hayley ties his shoes, hands him the crayon he wants next in his coloring book ("Are you sure you're done with green? I think I still see a tree there"), and forced him to learn how to read.
In one episode, Hayley brings him to a double date at a fancy restaurant with some snooty friends, and we see Hayley engaged in intellectual conversation with them while they sip wine. We then cut over to Jeff, who has a juice box and some scribbled-on children's menus and is complaining, "Babe, I can't eat my soup, it keeps falling out of the spoon." Hayley has to remind him that he needs to hold the spoon right side up. "Remember, so it's like a little bowl?" "Oh. A little soup bowl. On a stick!" "Right, on a stick." t's not the only time Jeff is an embarrassment at a restaurant.
Yet, when Jeff gets a procedure done to make him intelligent, Hayley can't stand Smart Jeff and wants to get him turned back at any cost. And that brings me to
Teaser for a Future Blog
Homer Simpson, Peter Griffin, Chris Griffin, Charlie Kelly, and Jeff have each had arcs on their respective shows where they temporarily became smart, ultimately became insufferable to the other characters on the show, and had to go back to their normal state.
There's a lot to explore here. Why do these characters lose their lovability and become pretentious jerks when they become intelligent? When their loved ones reject their intelligent versions, is it because they miss the person they've grown to know and love, or that they realize how accustomed they were to being the smartest person in the room and don't know how to deal with a new feeling of intellectual inferiority? Do these shows promote the message that intelligence and happiness are inversely proportional?
Anyway, that's something else I might ramble about someday. Back to Jeff.
Dumbest Act of Jeff
When Jeff tries to get a job and is involved in a wrecking ball accident on day one, the ER doctor is sad to inform the Smiths that Jeff is brain dead. He is hooked up to life support and responsive, but no brain activity. The Smiths start to assure the doctor that Jeff was like this even before the accident, but then his employer's lawyer walks in and they see how they can capitalize off this.
Lawyer: Are you the victim?
Jeff: No, I'm the Jeff.
Lawyer. Clearly major brain damage, going to take some extra zeroes.
With Jeff now rich because he was declared brain dead, the Smiths decide they need to file for a conservatorship. It's the most they've ever cared about Jeff, and that's because his stupidity has finally paid off.
Smartest Act of Jeff
When Jeff moves in with the Smiths, they worry that Jeff will blab about Roger the alien, who the CIA is looking for. Jeff, being too dumb to understand the stakes, immediately begins telling his friends, and Stan determines they must kill either Roger or Jeff. Roger agrees to just go back to his home planet and arranges a ship to pick him up, but at the last minute, he shoves Jeff in his place and Jeff is taken off to space for a life of slavery.
Jeff complains to the leader of the slave ship that he needs to be brought back to Earth because he's separated from his true love. The ship leader insists that love isn't real, and we see that the other enslaved people/aliens on the ship have been conditioned to believe love isn't real by having to watch montages of their past relationships that include only the bad parts. Jeff refuses to be persuaded by this and incites a rebellion that allows him to escape from the ship.
Jeff actually shows the most intelligence during the few years that he's not with the Smiths and we just occasionally cut back to him traveling through space trying to get back to Hayley. He does have an opportunity to return at one point, but sees that Hayley has moved on with an intelligent, wealthy man and decides she would be better off without him.
It's not until he finally returns to the Smiths that he goes back to being the complete idiot we know and love, who is afraid of the boogeyman and wonders if the dinosaurs in Land Before Time stayed friends after the filming.
Why We Love Jeff
As I said, I think the show writers drastically changed their minds on what direction they were going with Jeff's character after season 1. He went from what seemed like a one-off no-good-boyfriend joke to a sympathetic and hilarious character. He recognizes he's the bottom rung of the ladder, even calling the fish "Mr. Klaus." But he loves his babe and his babe-in-laws and is happy to be included in the family.
And, speaking of happy idiots who are dating someone who may be with them partially as a way to feel intelligent by comparison ...
2. Jillian Russell-Wilcox - Family Guy
Finally, a female on the list. Does this mean that women are generally smarter than men on these shows? Well, they are, but this is also a result of there just being, way more male characters than there are female characters on all of these shows.
Jillian, a recurring character voiced by Drew Barrymore, is the love of Brian's life. There are similarities between their relationship and Jeff and Hayley's. Hayley and Brian both get an ego boost from dating someone who worships their comparative intelligence. The difference is that Hayley is truly invested in Jeff and willing to humor his dumber interests so that they can spend time together, while Brian is mainly with Jillian for her body and will distract her with a laser pointer when he doesn't feel like humoring her.
Dumbest Act of Jillian
More than anyone on this list outside of my #1, Jillian is a character who simply exists to be stupid. In one episode, Quagmire dates Jillian in order to upset Brian, who he hates.
Brian: So, Jillian, how did you end up dating Quagmire?
Jillian: He showed up at my door and said he was the Federal Boob Inspector. I was going to tell him to go away, but he had a warrant.
Quagmire: It was a Snickers wrapper, Brian. I showed her a Snickers wrapper.
It wouldn't be the first time Jillian mistook a candy wrapper for something it was not.
But the stupidest thing Jillian has ever done was to let a dog and a baby exacerbate her bulimia. The first time the family meets Jillian, she happily proclaims as a cool fact about herself, "I threw up a lot in high school and now I don't get periods!" Brian encourages Jillian's purging, saying that it just makes her body look fantastic, like Karen Carpenter took it too far, but Jillian has a good balance going. Stewie also encourages Jillian's bulimia, because it's making her teeth fall out and he's trying to ensnare the tooth fairy.
Stewie: You're looking fantastic. You know, got some meat on your bones.
Jillian: What?
Stewie: I'm just saying, you look jolly, like Ruben Studdard or John Goodman or Santa.
Jillian: Oh my God, are you saying I'm fat?
Stewie: No, I'm saying Santa's thin, now get in there and throw up!
Brian is a pretty terrible boyfriend. Which leads me to
Smartest Act of Jillian
Jillian's smartest decision was not taking Brian back.
When Brian dates Jillian, it seems he prefers to keep her as kind of a secret girlfriend. He doesn't want her to meet his family, because he's embarrassed by the stupid things that she says. He's even ashamed to talk to her on the phone in front of Stewie. And he hates hanging out with her friends.
Jillian ultimately realizes this relationship isn't all she thought it was, and breaks up with Brian. Perhaps it was because he had taken her so much for granted, perhaps it was because he couldn't fathom how someone he believed was so intellectually inferior would be the one to dump him, but Brian immediately wants her back. When Jillian is about to marry Derek, a seemingly perfect man who is kind and very intelligent, Brian crashes the wedding to tell Jillian he is in love with her and is sorry he didn't realize it at the time. When he begs at the altar for Jillian to take him back, she says, "Brian, no. You had your chance. I thought you were my soul train, but you didn't want me."
Did Jillian just move on to another intellectually superior man using her for her looks? You don't really get that impression from Derek. We don't see a lot of him, but it seems like he does care for Jillian and is not ashamed of her. He is patient explaining things to her and would never say anything like "Well there you go, sport." It's believable that he sees her as a person and appreciates her sweetness and optimistic sense of wonder, which is why
Why We Love Jillian
Jillian is just a pure soul. She's the definition of innocence. She is sorry that so many lemons have to die in order to make lemonade. She saw something on TV about a guy named Hitler and is concerned that someone needs to stop him. She realized she's never seen the sun and the moon at the same time, and she's cracked the code that it's because they're the same person.
In one episode, Brian runs into Jillian and Derek and asks Stewie, "Do you think she's thinking about me?"
Stewie responds, "That depends. Are you a pony or the color blue?"
We then cut to Jillian imagining a blue pony and giggling happily.
If they ever do a Family Guy/American Dad crossover, which I would love, I really hope they team up Jeff and Jillian. They would have some of the best conversations ever written.
So, you're asking, who is dumber than Jillian, more innocent than Jillian, more lovably inept than any of the characters on this list? Well, it could only be
1. Ralph Wiggum - The Simpsons
Ralph Wiggum is the eight-year-old son of police chief Clancy Wiggum. (Allegedly.) His favorite food is school supplies. When he grows up, he wants to be a principal or a caterpillar. He's not completely toilet trained, but is surprisingly more literate than a few other entries in my list. Anything else you need to know about Ralph, you can learn from this clip.
Ralph generally identifies as human, other than when he's acting as his imaginary friend/alter ego Wiggle Puppy. So, why is Ralph so dumb? I'm going to go out on a limb and argue that this is not nature, it's nurture. Ralph was raised by a stupid man (we rarely see his mother involved in his upbringing at all) and he's following in his father's footsteps. In a season 22 flashback episode, we see a young Chief Wiggum bottle-feeding an infant that he drops on its head. The baby then is unable to put the bottle back in its mouth and keeps stabbing it into its forehead or cheek. I refuse to accept this as a Ralph Wiggum origin story. This is almost as egregious as the worst ever episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, "The Gang Buys a Roller Rink," in which they try to explain how Dee actually lived up to her "Sweet Dee" nickname until she suffered a head injury at age 18 that led her to become a profanity-spewing sociopath. No. That's not canon, and neither is Chief Wiggum dropping Ralph on his head. Ralph doesn't have brain damage. He's just ... Ralph.
Dumbest Act of Ralph
Outside of one episode I'll discuss in a bit, Ralph is dumber than Bart, who Lisa has scientifically proven to be dumber than a hamster. So, there's a lot to pick from. But, even though this episode is obviously not canon, I'm going to choose Ralph's turn as Laertes in the Hamlet parody.
Smartest Act of Ralph
In the season 4 episode "I Love Lisa," Chief Wiggum bribes his way into Ralph getting the lead role of George Washington in the school play. Reeling from Lisa's rejection of him, Ralph astonishingly pulls it together and gives a great performance, then afterwards has the emotional maturity to accept her apology and her friendship.
Why We Love Ralph
Like Jillian, Ralph is a pure soul. He's constantly smiling and wants to believe the best of everyone (granted, that sometimes gets him into stranger danger). While there are only a handful of episodes that have Ralph-centered storylines, he's always in the crowd scenes to deliver a hilarious one-liner.
In the episode "El Pluribus Wiggum," Ralph is nominated to run for President of the United States. Lisa is initially appalled, thinking that her friend has become a political pawn. But Ralph explains that he is going to make America better, a place where people share and use their words, and the only boom booms are in your pants. Lisa is touched by his innocent earnestness, and then flattered when he says that she could be his "first ladle," so she ultimately backs his campaign.
And this concludes my journey through the dumbest, most lovable idiots of TV. Out of which, one ran for governor of California, one ran for president, and one was very temporarily governor of California and also temporarily the prince of Cordovia. Which, of course, goes to show you that if you hold your head high and believe in your dreams and are on a fictional TV show, you can achieve anything, and that's the message we all need at the end of the day.
Oh, and screw Flanders.
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