The Good, the Mom, and the Ugly - Part Two

 Annnd we're back to my critique of ten fictional television characters and how they rate as mothers. Because that's really what the world needs right now. I know everyone has been excitedly waiting and possibly even placing bets on who these last five moms would be and where they rank, so let's not delay this any further.

6. Skyler - Breaking Bad

In one episode of Rick and Morty, ("But Mandie, you already talked about that show!" "Shut up, my anecdote has a point!") the Smith family is at a conference in the White House and Summer has an idea on how to save the world from the attack by ... I'm not going to say what they're under attack by, it's too gross. Everyone ignores Summer. Seconds later, a random man in the conference room says the same thing, and they immediately agree that his plan is genius and they're going with it. As Summer stands there indignantly, Beth tells her, "Welcome to being a woman."

Likewise, whenever Skyler on Breaking Bad has a disagreement with Walter or with Ted, she's always right, but they don't listen to her, even when what the men are planning to do is incredibly stupid and the consequences will be incredibly dangerous. And this apparently makes her one of the most hated television characters of all time. "Why is that bitchy shrill woman arguing with Heisenberg? Shut up, Skyler!"

Skyler doesn't deserve all the hate she gets. She's really a victim more than anything else. But, when a man is involved in drug distribution and money laundering, he's badass! When a woman does the same thing, she's just ... bad.

I'm reminded of another of what the internet says is one of the most hated fictional characters of all time, also the pregnant wife of the protagonist - Lori, from The Walking Dead. I feel like it's for very similar reasons. It's way easier for people to find female characters annoying than male characters.

Skyler does not deserve the hate she gets, but is she a great mother? Not really. She lies to and confuses her teenage son, Walt Jr., probably resulting in him never being able to trust anyone again. And she doesn't do nearly enough to keep her children safe.

When Skyler finds out about Walter's constant lying to cover up his drug dealing activity, she's hurt, and reacts by becoming incredibly cold, not really doing much at all to reassure Walt Jr. that the family is okay. She kicks Walter out for a while, and it's obvious how desperately Walt Jr. wants his dad back, and has no idea what's going on. Skyler could have ended things here and separated herself from Walter. But, she decides to keep lying to her son, and to her sister Marie and brother-in-law Hank. And ultimately decides to assist Walter in his drug dealing. She doesn't assist in the actual drug sales, but makes herself complicit and helps him with money laundering, as finance is her expertise.

Skyler also further distances herself from her family by taking a bookkeeping job, where she begins an affair with her boss, Ted. She potentially further endangers her children by expanding her illegal activity, attempting to use drug money to cover up Ted's tax fraud.

During all this time, Walt Jr. believes that his dad is a friggin' hero cancer survivor genius, and, like most of the world, I guess, thinks Skyler is the WORST. For example, at one point, Walter buys his son a really, really expensive car. Skyler, correctly, asserts that they cannot have their son driving around in an insanely expensive car because people will wonder where the money came from, and the car has to go back. She of course can't tell her son why, so, he just assumes it's because she doesn't want him to have nice things. (Walter, being the mature non man child that he is who can admit his wife is right, does not take the car back. He smashes it up.)

Skyler ultimately begins to believe the family may be in danger, but it isn't until there's an attempted attack on the house that she sends the kids to live with Hank and Marie. And that's too little, too late. (Plus, is that super safe either? Hank has had multiple attempts on his life at this point.)

How could Skyler have handled the situation better? Well, she was put in a very bad spot, but, she could have separated herself from it much earlier. And, she could have been way more considerate about how all of this was going to impact her son. Holly won't remember this, but Walt Jr. will. Remember in the last blog when I said I had some trust issues after finding out Santa Claus was a lie? Imagine that times TEN BILLION and that's what Walt Jr. is going to go through. As soon as he graduates high school, he's definitely going to go live in a bunker in the middle of nowhere and refuse all human contact, other than the conspiracy theory message boards he's on.

7. Francine - American Dad

This would have been Lois Griffin's spot if I'd included her, but I already talked about a Family Guy mom, and anyway, I've blogged about Family Guy a lot before but not as much about American Dad, probably because I know it least of all these shows. But I'd have to say, Francine ranks just a little bit below Lois, even if it's very hard to apply any moral logic to a show where the family members include an alien and a former athlete trapped in the body of a goldfish.

There are similarities between Lois and Francine. Lois went through a brief rebellious period when she was younger where she did coke and made a porno, which now horrifies her, whereas Francine was a complete wild child until she met Stan. Lois got into shoplifting in one episode; for Francine, it's perpetual. Lois seems to get more into every mom stereotype in the world more than she's into her actual children ("NO ONE DOES GROCERIES BUT ME!" "DAUGHTRY! I'M A MOM SO I LIKE THIS!" "THESE AREN'T MY BRAND OF PAPER TOWELS!" "IF THE DRYER SPINS AROUND FIFTY TIMES, I GET A DIET COKE!"). Whereas Francine is more of a trophy wife than a typical mom. She spends most of her time, when she's not finding release for her past wild child in activities like arson, making herself look pretty and trying to shove her 14-year-old son Steve back into her vagina, which she actually succeeds in doing once.

Like Lois, Francine has an 18-year-old daughter that might not be her husband's biological daughter, a socially crippled 14-year-old son, and, I guess Roger the alien is kind of like Stewie in that he has whatever power or gadget is required to make the plot happen, is seemingly pansexual, and can convincingly pass himself off as a human of any age or gender simply by wearing a wig. But, he's more of a bestie than a child to Francine, so let's focus on Hayley and Steve.

Francine's not that bad a mother to Hayley (especially by comparison), but is generally kind of condescending toward her, does not respect her beliefs, is ok with the fact that Stan put a chip in her head, and doesn't think she can do too much of anything. Which, you know, is fair. Despite being the smartest person in the family, Hayley is very lazy, has failed community college multiple times, and still lives in her childhood bedroom.

Because Hayley is another adult woman (they age her up to 20 over the course of the show), Francine seems to feel unhealthily competitive toward her in the womanly arts, such as cooking, dancing, getting guys to buy drinks for you at a bar, and generally being pretty. Hayley is right in being afraid Francine might try to steal her boyfriend-then-husband Jeff. After all, Francine tells everyone she had a sex dream about Jeff, and she was so jealous of one of Hayley's other partners, Mauricio, that she turned herself into a giant poltergeist-type creature so she could suck him into a vortex.

In one episode, Roger mentions that Hayley is the prettiest woman in the house, which, of course, sets things on fire. Francine and Hayley begin wearing increasing amounts of makeup and flaunting themselves competitively in front of Roger until the tension results in Francine beating the **** out of her own daughter. It's okay, though. Roger will eventually end up trying to get with both of them. And Stan. And Steve. And (successfully) the fish. So I don't know if Roger's attention is really a good gauge of ... anything.

Let's move on to Steve. Buckle up. This one is wild. Francine's relationship with Steve makes Linda's relationship with Gene look like it belongs in a good parenting manual. 

Francine wants Steve to be her little baby forever. When Steve proudly announces he has his first pube, she buys anti-aging serum and injects him with it against his will. He actually de-ages to five and she's delighted she can give him tummy kisses and nibble on his widdle biddy wegs.

When Steve gets a girlfriend, Debbie, and invites her over for dinner, Francine insists on cutting Steve's food for him and playing a version of "Here Comes the Airplane" where she asks, zooming the fork around his mouth, "Is the bumblebee going to find its flower? Is this its little flower?" When Steve doesn't immediately leave Debbie and her attempts to get pregnant again fail, she plants a ton of drugs in Steve's locker and gets him suspended from school, keeping him at home with her and causing Debbie to break up with him.

When comforting Steve, Francine says, "Oh, Debbie never found you attractive at all. A woman can tell. And no woman will ever love you more than your mother." Steve cries, "Mommy!" and collapses into her arms, and the episode ends on Francine's evil smile.

This is what results in disturbing stuff like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TseV9Wyo7lY

And then there's the episode where Steve finds out that Francine is sneaking her breast milk into his food. He's indignant at first, but then she lies and says that she stopped doing it and starts slipping sleeping pills into his food. He thinks he's going through breast milk withdrawal and won't be able to perform in the school play, where he has the lead role of Oedipus, and begs Francine for some milk. She doesn't have any bottled, so the curtain opens on ... Francine breastfeeding Steve. 

At this point, Steve becomes addicted to breastfeeding, even crawling into bed with Francine and Stan when he needs a snack. When Francine (way too late) realizes this has gone too far, she decides to make Steve hate breast milk by eating a massive amount of bees. Steve is allergic to bees and goes into a coma for a year after his next feeding.

You see, Lois and Meg were rivals for the hot handyman's attention once, but Lois didn't beat the crap out of Meg. Lois tried to steal Meg's boyfriend once, but no one ended up dead. And Lois can't stop breastfeeding Stewie, but Stewie is not a teenager. So, I'm standing by my ranking here, and yes I know these are all just jokes, let me have fun in my play land. The next show I'm going to cover is not so much of a joke.

8. Leslie - Euphoria

SPOILERS LIE AHEAD. IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THE SHOW AND WANT TO, SKIP TO #9.

Some of the things that Leslie says to her older daughter, Rue, on this show are so brutal that I struggle a little bit with putting her above my #9. But, my #9 had more children to ruin, and Leslie at least, occasionally, seemed to try a little bit, in the first season, and at the end of season 2 we're led to believe she's still going to try to take good care of her younger daughter, Gia. I mean, unless Gia gets on her bad side at some point.

Rue was very close to her father, who died of cancer. After her father died, Rue overdosed on drugs to the point where she nearly died and was sent to rehab.

Now, back from rehab, Rue spends a lot of time hanging out with her best friend Fezco, a drug dealer with a heart of gold. Wait, she hangs out with a drug dealer all the time? It seems like this is something Leslie should have been concerned about ... 

Then, Rue gets a girlfriend, Jules. If I ever do a worst significant others blog, Jules is for sure going to be on it. Rue, unlike pretty much all the other characters on this show, is not really into sex. She desperately wants love, probably because she's getting no love at home, and she falls hard for Jules, who seems to be looking for fun more than love. When Jules leaves her temporarily, she's so shattered that she can't leave her room for days, including to go to the bathroom, resulting in a bladder infection that lands her in the hospital. It's a good thing she had a mother who was checking in on her 16-year-old daughter to make sure she was ok before things got that bad, right ......?

Rue ultimately gets back together with Jules, but also befriends Elliot, who does a lot of drugs, so Rue starts doing drugs again. And believes she can sell drugs. So, she reaches out to Laurie, who is a female version of Walter White, and is given a briefcase full of $10,000 of drugs. She is warned that if she does not provide Laurie's cut for this briefcase, some very scary people are going to come after her and do awful things to her, implying that Rue may be sold into prostitution to earn Laurie her money back. 

Then Rue awakens one morning to find that Elliot told Jules Rue was doing drugs, who told Leslie, who flushed all of the drugs down the toilet. I mean, why would Leslie think that Rue would have a BRIEFCASE filled with $10,000 WORTH OF DRUGS? What 16-year-old has that? Don't you realize that this indicates your daughter is caught up in something bigger, and flushing the drugs could get her killed? Isn't this something you'd ASK your daughter about? But, no, she is just going to send her to rehab again. As Rue has a screaming meltdown, realizing not only that her girlfriend betrayed her, but that her life is now in danger for two reasons - potentially fatal withdrawals, and some scary guys coming after her - Leslie focuses only on comforting Gia. She tells Rue as packing her up to go to rehab, "Rue, you're not a good person."

So, Rue ends up jumping out of the moving car and doing an epic dash through traffic, so desperate that she breaks into a house and steals money, then is caught by the police while obviously going through withdrawals, and begins another epic chase, this time running from the cops. She gets home the next morning and her mom gives her an unsurprised, stoic glance.

You might think things are going to get better now, because Leslie doesn't force rehab and Rue continues to detox at home. In fact, Leslie actually seems to enjoy having Rue's sexy NA sponsor around. But just when Rue is on the road to getting better, Leslie tells her something shocking that seems to come out of nowhere. It's something along the lines of "I want you to do drugs. Go, do drugs. That is what I want. I am focusing only on Gia now." She says it completely flippantly. With those words, Leslie could have killed her daughter, and really didn't seem to care. Fortunately, what Leslie's words seem to do is make Rue realize she can't depend on anyone and has to make it on her own.

Tangent One: Lexi 

So who does Rue have now? They decide ... she has Lexi. Yes, Lexi is her consolation prize at the end of season 2. It turns out they have been best friends all along(?), even though Lexi has barely been in the show up to this point.

Who is Lexi, you might ask? She is the younger sister of Cassie (Sydney Sweeney), and she's been in the background of a lot of scenes but not really done anything. That's because she was saving everything she was going to do for ... her play, which tragically spans the last 2 episodes of season 2.

Time for rant about Lexi's play. 

First of all, what high school would allow a student to write, cast, and mainstage a show of such high production value?

Second of all, what one person could write and produce a play like this?

Third of all, what school would greenlight a show that's all about Lexi whining about not being as pretty as Cassie and savagely taking down Cassie and all of her friends?

As far as I can tell, Cassie has never really done anything to Lexi other than have larger breasts than her, which is what a lot of the play is about. Cassie even includes Lexi in a lot of stuff with her friends. Also, Cassie, in the past year, has gone through public humiliation several times, two heartbreaks, and had an abortion she did not want to have. She's been turned into a slut-shamed joke.

So, her sister decides it would be good to write a play that slut shames her and turns her into a joke. 

The first scene of the play is basically Lexi whining, "MY SISTER HAS BOOBS AND I DON'T! WHEN WILL I GET MY BOOBS?" She then goes on to stage various scenes showing the worst moments of several of her classmates and whine about how she had to witness all of this, making her the victim because she was there. And Lexi is HAPPY and PROUD of her play. I have never seen a show that was so good fall on its ass so hard as Euphoria did at the end of season 2, and I've seen multiple shows fall on their ass.

Tangent Two: A Third Season What???

There are multiple reasons I figured the show had to end after season 2.

1. The episodes about Lexi's play were so apocalyptically bad I can't see how they'd allow the show to still be a show.

2. These actors were all in their twenties and thirties when they played high school students several years ago.

3. Are they really going to be able to get Zendaya and Sydney Sweeney back for this?

4. All the storylines seemed to be wrapped up at the end of season 2 ... EXCEPT some really scary people might be out to get Rue, so that's kinda still out there.

5. The actor playing Fezco died.

I did a quick Google search and there is going to be a season 3. It's not going to continue to be a high school drama, there's going to be a significant time jump, which ... is good. The only actor that I've seen is confirmed to come back is Rue's NA sponsor, but it's also saying that Zendaya and Sydney Sweeney are both reprising their roles. And ... guess who else is supposed to be coming back? Mom of the year Leslie! (YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY)

The thing is ... I don't think Laurie is the type to bluff. There are supposed to be scary guys coming after Rue. I mean, I guess they took a break from hunting for Rue the last two episodes of season 2, because Rue had to go out openly in public to see her new "best friend's" stupid play. And then, they were like, "Oh, we kind of forgot about your $10,000, Laurie. But we hear Rue escaped to some kind of spice planet. We'll start trying again in 6 years."

Or, maybe the writers will say they guess Laurie just "kind of forgot" to sell Rue into sex slavery. That worked for the writers of season 7 of Game of Thrones.

9. Lois - Malcolm in the Middle

But Mandie, you say, Malcolm in the Middle was one of the most beloved family sitcoms of the 2000's. It was our comfort watch after we watched Breaking Bad, so we could see Heisenberg figure skating and playing Dance Dance Revolution in a sequined bodysuit. Are you really putting Lois below a woman who lets a drug lord raise her children, a woman who could rule the toxic boy moms community on the internet (something I just found out about that is very disturbing and very Francine), and a woman who basically told her daughter to go die?

Yeah, I am, deal wit it.

One of the scariest things about Lois is that she believes that she is not only a good mother but the best mother, and she can never, never be wrong. She rules the house with an iron fist, and she seems to thrive on rage. If she doesn't have something to be enraged about, she has no fuel. This Family Guy parody is spot on: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bTo_5cqv4Wk

Very stupid men seem to fall in love with Lois. Her incredibly stupid husband, Hal, trembles before her in worship and fear. Her incredibly stupid coworker Craig never abandons his hope that he and Lois will end up together. And her stupidest son, Reese, at one point finds Lois's teenage diary and, not realizing it's his mom's, starts having romantic fantasies about the girl who wrote it.

So Lois thrives on being the smartest and loudest and most right person in the room, she thrives on anger, but she also seems to thrive on misery. I don't know why this woman had six children. She never goes a day without making them feel like they are a complete burden. And, not to sound like every stereotypical whiny teenager ever, but these kids didn't ask to be born. But they were, and it's their fault somehow. It's my theory Lois secretly wants to have more kids so she'll have more things to be angry at.

Why is Lois like this? Well, probably because her mom, Ida, is an even angrier person and likely was an even worse mom. Ida is such a malevolent presence that even birds and crickets flee at her approach. In one episode, we find out that Ida's husband, Victor, had a secret second family. He would go back and forth between Ida and his other wife, Sylvia, telling each that he was going away on business, and he had two daughters with each woman. Lois is stunned by how happy and well-adjusted Sylvia's children and grandchildren are, and all the loving family pictures they have together, when she remembers her father as someone who never smiled and locked her in the closet. 

Ida eventually comes after the second family, saying that she has legal claim to a portion of Victor's pension. When trying to file a lawsuit, she's told she needs documentation proving that they are married and a blood test proving that Lois is Victor's daughter. It turns out, Lois isn't.

Lois: How could you lie to me?

Ida: I was 80% sure that Victor was your father. 

So, Lois grew up in a truly miserable household, and maybe that's why she is the way she is - it's all she knows. And she takes her misery out on her children in different ways. Let's explore that. And let's find a different Simpsons quote that describes each mother-child relationship.

Francis - I have many, many issues with my beloved smother - I mean, mother.

Francis is the oldest of the Wilkerson children, and Lois can't wait to get him out of the house. She actually does give him up and send him to live with Ida for six months when he's a toddler, because Reese was just born and she can't handle having two children. When he's 16, she sends him to military school. But, he frequently visits for some reason, and on one visit he has a surprise guest - his new wife, Piama.

Even though Lois has done everything possible to push Francis away, she cannot handle the fact that he got married and constantly treats Piama horribly (toxic boy mom behavior). For three seasons of the show, Piama does everything she can to be a part of the family, including defending Lois when Lois is being shunned by her in-laws (you'd think this would teach Lois a lesson, but no) and helping get rid of Ida when Ida is trying to interfere with Jamie's birth. But Lois slings passive-aggressive insults whenever she can. It's not until Piama offers to help clean up a mess and Lois says, "No, I'd just end up having to re-clean it, why don't you go watch some TV," that Piama finally snaps and cries out, "No one is as useless as you think I am!"

After which Lois actually seems to notice Piama is a human for the first time. She blinks, and then offers Piama a clipped apology. "I'm sorry, Piama. You deserve better."

Francis also gets an apology. When he confronts his mother for her abandonment, she coolly says something along the lines of, "I'm sorry, Francis. You deserved a better mother. You deserved someone who would love you and take care of you. I'm sorry I was not that person."

Francis is stunned to hear the words come out of his mother's mouth, but equally stunned to realize he doesn't really feel any relief after hearing the words he's been hoping and dreaming for his entire life. He's actually obsessed with Lois, despite being the one that got away from the family (sort of) at age 16. 

Reese - Stupid babies deserve the most attention.

Reese's entire life consists of a screaming match with Lois, but honestly, she's a better mother to him than she is to any of the other boys. When Reese joins the Army using a fake ID, Lois does a solo trek across the desert to find him. When a cruel prank is played on Reese, Lois goes to extreme lengths to get revenge on all the teenagers involved. 

The best example of Lois's protectiveness over Reese is the episode where Reese is in danger of being put in the remedial class if he gets one more failing grade, so Lois forces Malcolm to take a test for him and swap it in at the last moment. When the test still receives an F, the teacher comes to the Wilkersons' house so that Lois can sign a paper to transfer Reese to the remedial program. The teacher gives an example of an incomplete answer and what it should have been, and Malcolm blurts out, "But that's exactly what I wrote! I mean ... what he wrote ..."

The teacher then offers Lois a choice. She can sign the papers to get Reese into the remedial program (this teacher really hates Reese, hence why he blindly gave him an F), or Malcolm can be expelled for cheating. Lois immediately answers that Malcolm can be expelled, he's smart, he'll be fine, it's kids like Reese that need all the help they can get. And, she's not bluffing. She does believe Malcolm can overcome all things. He is the Malcolm Ex Machina. Speaking of which

Malcolm - I know you're only eight years old, and I don't want to put any pressure on you, but you've got to save my marriage!

In the series premiere, we discover that fifth-grade Malcolm has an IQ somewhere in the 150's, just like Lisa Simpson. I mean, that's smart, but, I took an IQ test when I was in first grade and my IQ was in the 160's. Don't worry. I'm not a genius. I took another IQ test when I was in sixth grade and my IQ was in the 130's. I can only assume it's continued its decline since then. But this IQ test result, along with Malcolm's uncanny skill with numbers and photographic memory, lead his family to believe he is not only the smartest person in the world, but omnipotent, and all of the family's problems fall on him to solve.

Some might say Francis suffered the most from Lois's parenting, but Francis got away, while Malcolm never will. Lois is going to latch onto her genius son as long as she possibly can. She gets Malcolm a part-time job at her workplace and shows him no leniency; if anything, she's tougher on him than she is on anyone else. 

Both Hal and Lois take advantage of Malcolm, running on the belief that his smarts will fix anything. In one episode, Malcolm receives a $10,000 scholarship check, and Lois sees the mail before he does. She shows it to Hal, and they agree they will forge Malcolm's signature to cash the check and it will just be a loan, they'll pay it back to Malcolm someday. Lois spends the entire check on an antique dollhouse that she accidentally sets on fire the first time she tries to use the light switch, and Malcolm never knows anything about the check. But that seems kind of okay because the next day, Malcolm actually checks the mail and has gotten a $3,000 scholarship check, which he spends on a photo shoot because he didn't like his yearbook photo.

The biggest nail that Lois puts in Malcolm's coffin is in the series finale, in which Malcolm graduates from high school. He's offered a six-figure job straight out of high school that he's excited to take. Lois won't let him. She says that he needs to get a college education because he needs to be president someday. She's not even kidding. He needs to be the president, or he's a failure. He needs to show the world that someone who came from roots like hers will be president. And, so, Malcolm has to suffer through working multiple part-time jobs to put himself through college. Because, let's face it. Malcolm's life has never been his own, it was always Lois's. 

Dewey - Three. We have three kids, Homer. Marge, the dog doesn't count as a kid.

Ah, Dewey. The constantly forgotten child. From when Lois and Hal start to get amorous before realizing Dewey exists and is still here, to when Lois schedules Jamie's delivery on what she forgot was Dewey's birthday, to the piano contest Dewey goes to solo, silently placing down a trophy when he gets home, with no one noticing, Dewey is the invisible child.

Dewey is a self-taught musical prodigy, which is actually more impressive than Malcolm's math skills, but unfortunately Hal and Lois have already placed all their eggs in the Malcolm basket and they just let Dewey fool around with his stupid piano. In one episode, Dewey realizes that while there are many early childhood photos of his older brothers, there are none of him. Dewey chooses to pay this forward rather than pay it back. He takes Hal's wallet and organizes a party for his younger brother Jamie, so that Jamie can have baby pictures to look back on when he's older.

Jamie - You see, marriage is like a coffin, and each kid is another nail. But, as far as coffins go

Not a whole lot to say about Jamie, because he's barely verbal when the series ends. But, this kid is doomed. Lois has already used up all of her parenting energy on Francis, Reese, and Malcolm. Dewey is basically going to have to raise this kid on his own. Lois, at one point, confides in Hal, "I don't like this baby." And he reminds her that she hated all of her children, so this is fine.

Stinger Ending Sixth Kid - Everything in our lives is perfectly balanced. I hope things stay exactly like this forever.

The above quote is what Homer said to Marge shortly before finding out Marge was pregnant with Maggie.

In the series finale, everything seems to have come together. Malcolm has been forced to work himself through college. Reese moved in with Craig. (Side note: "Reese and Craig" would have been a hilarious spin-off series and I would have watched the **** out of that.) Lois and Hal are gloating about how they finally just have two kids left in the house. You know. Those kids they love and cherish so much. The long nightmare is almost over.

But then, Lois takes a pregnancy test and it's positive. End series.

Lois hates being a mother more than anyone else on my list, other than my #10. But, maybe she doesn't, maybe she just thrives on power and martyrdom. Like mother, like daughter.

10. Beatrice - BoJack Horseman

***SPOILERS FOR SEASON FOUR LIE AHEAD***

If you read my "The Good, the Dad, and the Ugly" blog, you know that Beatrice's father ranked among the worst of the TV dads. This is part 2 of the Joseph Sugarman story. The story of a man who had his wife lobotomized and taught his daughter Beatrice that women are to be thin and not heard, resulting in her rebelling by running away from her own debutante ball and being impregnated by Butterscotch Horseman. 

All the other mothers on this list show at least a tiny bit of motherly instinct, or seem to care at least a little about their children. Beatrice aggressively doesn't. She hates BoJack. When BoJack is very young, she tells him, "You ruined me, BoJack," and he replies, "I know." She placates him with cigarettes and liquor and puts him in front of the TV to keep him out of her hair (mane?), and openly fights with his father in front of him. Throughout BoJack's adult life, she continues to be as cold as ice and derides all of his work.

Once Beatrice begins to decline, BoJack has no choice but to take her in. This is inconvenient, because he already has another house guest, Hollyhock, a teenage girl horse who showed up at his door, looks just like him, and is proven to have Horseman DNA. Hollyhock is excited to meet her grandmother and help take care of her, even though Beatrice seems affixed to the past and keeps telling Hollyhock she needs to watch her figure and talking about people that either no longer exist or are no longer in her circle. She doesn't seem to recognize BoJack, and constantly calls him "Henrietta" and asks him to perform chores.

Everything falls apart when Hollyhock ends up in the hospital due to a drug overdose. BoJack assumes that Hollyhock took some of his drugs, as do Hollyhock's adoptive dads. He tells Beatrice, "All this time I thought you were a terrible parent, and you are, but maybe it's just impossible to be a parent." Beatrice says that it's a shame the girl isn't here, because she was just about to make her some "special coffee." And we find out Beatrice has been slipping diet pills into Hollyhock's coffee "until she learns to take it on her own." BoJack, thinking his relationship with his daughter is ruined, immediately puts his mother into the worst room in the worst nursing home he can find.

It turns out, Hollyhock was not BoJack's daughter. BoJack's father, Butterscotch, got the maid, Henrietta, pregnant, and Henrietta wanted to keep the baby. But Beatrice forbade it. She told Henrietta that she would pay for the entirety of her education if she would agree to give the baby up for adoption. She told Henrietta, "You may think you want this, but you don't." I see this as the only benevolent thing Beatrice has done in her life. She knew she ruined her own life and BoJack's by keeping him, and she didn't want BoJack's half-sister, Hollyhock, to meet the same fate.

Beatrice passes away over the course of the show, and BoJack has to deliver her eulogy in the episode "Free Churro." The eulogy is more about unresolved issues with his parents than it is about Beatrice. When BoJack was grabbing fast food on his way to his mother's funeral, he mentioned to the fast food employee that his mother had just died, and she said how sorry she was and offered him a free churro. He says during the eulogy that the free churro was more of an act of kindness than either of his parents showed him his entire life. 

The reason I place Beatrice at the very bottom of my TV moms list is that she never even assumed the role of being a mother, leading her son to rely on television to teach him what family is supposed to be like. He understood from sitcoms that even if the characters aren't getting along right now, there will be some grand gesture that will make everything better, and there will be a happy ending. He mentions during his mother's eulogy that he never got that grand gesture.

And this is a bummer to end on, for sure, but, I guess it was my choice to go from best to worst. So I'm just going to leave you with this, as a palate cleanser: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHIV78XQKW0

The Good, the Mom, and the Ugly - Part One

 I've previously discussed my top 5 and bottom 5 TV dads. And now, it's Mom's turn! But when putting together this list, I realized it's kind of hard to find good TV moms. Every mom on this list of 10 is going to have at least one ding and because I decided to go from best to worst, the last few are going to be nothing but dings.

I also realized once I started writing that this is going to be very, very long, so I'm splitting it up into two parts. So, I guess it's safe to say the five moms in this blog fall on the "good" side of the needle, and the five in whenever I write the next one, not so much.

To set your expectations properly, I am focusing only on moms who we see, either in the show's timeline or in flashbacks, raising children during their formative years. So, you won't see either of the moms from Seinfeld on this list, or any of the moms from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Those are overall terrifying moms, but we only see them as the parents of adults.

Also, I'm not sticking to just comedy like I did with the dads. Or, I didn't with the dads, because I found out Euphoria was nominated in the drama category at the Golden Globes. How do they decide what's a comedy and what's a drama? With multiple musical numbers, Zendaya's often humorous narration, and Lexi's stupid play, I thought that show was classified as a dark comedy but no. And then Challengers and The Substance were classified as comedies at this year's Globes? What's up with that, what's up with that. 

Ok, we're not here to dissect genre assignments, or to talk about how much I hate Lexi, we're here to celebrate/shame 10 memorable TV moms, from good to evil.

I might talk a little bit about how much I hate Lexi. But, you know me, be prepared for tangents galore.

1. Marge - The Simpsons

While Homer claims in song that the three Simpson children "are only here cuz Marge forgot her pill," Marge, more than anyone else on this list, was BORN to be a mother. She truly loves her children, and even though she doesn't always understand them, she tries her best to. She strikes the perfect balance between nurturing them and letting them be themselves.

Marge will occasionally get mad at her children, for example, in the episode "Bart the Mother," where Bart mistakenly thinks he killed the mother of two baby birds but when the eggs hatch they turn out to be parasitic lizards. Bart pleads with Marge that he knows the whole town thinks the lizards are monsters, but he loves them, and she takes his side. Much more in the following entries about moms who did or did not support their children when they realized that their children loved someone/thing. And there's the episode "Marge the Meanie," when we find out Marge pulled some pranks back in her junior high days, and she goes against her principles and starts pulling pranks again because she loves the understanding she's gaining with Bart.

Marge possibly understands Lisa less than Bart, and that's because Marge may have wished that her first daughter would be a younger version of her, and Lisa isn't. Marge is initially resistant to Lisa's vegetarianism and Buddhism, but is ultimately accepting because her relationship with her daughter is more important than the values she grew up with. Speaking of which, how did Marge grow up to be pretty nearly morally perfect when her dad died at a young age, her mother frequently told her she was a disappointment, and her sisters didn't seem to care a whole lot about her? I guess she chose to pay it forward, not pay it back.

In the episode "How Lisa Got Her Marge Back," Marge inadvertently insults Lisa when Lisa overhears her saying that she hates jazz. Lisa, of course, takes it like a child who hasn't yet learned that you can love someone without loving the things they love, and Marge does everything she can to make it up to her, including taking her to Capitol City to see a musical, which Lisa does not appreciate. Toward the end of the episode, Andrew Rannells as himself (one of the best Simpsons cameos EVER) tells Lisa that she should be appreciative of the lengths her mother is going to to have a relationship with her, because, Andrew Rannells can fix all things, and I will stand by that statement.

Another example of Marge going to any length to repair her relationship with Lisa is the episode "Lisa's Belly." Marge makes a comment that she barely thought about regarding Lisa's weight gain, not realizing the impact it has on her daughter. She then can't understand why Lisa is so upset. This episode is one of Homer's better parenting moments, as he goes to talk to Lisa and realizes what the issue is. When Marge and Lisa go to therapy, Marge apologizes for putting a bad memory in Lisa's head that will be there forever, and realizes that she still harbors the memory of her own mother calling her "plain." It's a touching ending, and makes you realize that Marge may make mistakes as any mother does, but will always try her very best to make things right.

Marge's relationship with Maggie is not as healthy because they're pretty dependent on each other, but, hey, Maggie is a baby, cut them some slack.

Anyway, even though Bart started out as America's bad boy and Lisa started out as a sad outcast and Maggie can't talk, you can trust that, with a mom like Marge, the Simpson kids are going to turn out alright when they grow up, which they never will.

2. Catelyn - Game of Thrones

Catelyn would do anything for her children. When Bran's life was threatened, she grabbed a knife blade to stop it, resulting in mutilation of her hands. She would negotiate with enemies and go to the very ends of the earth to get her daughters back and to get vengeance for the attempt on Bran's life. And, when her oldest son Robb falls in love and backs out of an arranged marriage that was made for political reasons, Catelyn understands, and fully supports him. I mean, it was a fatal mistake, but it puts her way above a certain other mother we'll get to later. Catelyn dies doing what it seems she's done her whole life - fighting for her children.

Why is Catelyn below Marge despite being kind of a superhero mom? It's her treatment of Jon Snow. Catelyn's husband, Ned, brought Jon home when Jon was an infant, to be brought up alongside the other Stark children. Catelyn believed that Jon was Ned's bastard son, and so she treated him dismissively, sometimes borderline cruelly. 

And here's the thing. Why couldn't Ned trust Catelyn enough to tell her "this isn't my bastard son, it's my actually legitimate nephew" and save both Catelyn and Jon 15 years (yeah, I think based on the books Jon was supposed to be 15 years old) of complete misery? Jon's true identity had to be protected, but can't you trust your wife? Did he think she would tell her insane sister or something?

And why was Catelyn so mean to Jon? It makes no sense that if you think your husband had an affair, you would immediately forgive the husband but take it out on the innocent baby. Anyway, bad move by BOTH Ned and Catelyn. And this is just my number 2.

3. Donna - The Cleveland Show/Family Guy

But Mandie, you say. You love Family Guy. Why are you not including Lois Griffin in your list of iconic moms? Well, I made a one-per-show rule, and as far as McFarlane moms go, Lois is worse than Donna and better than American Dad's Francine, so, don't worry, we'll still talk about her a little, but first let's discuss Donna.

I remembered The Cleveland Show being kind of like the security blanket out of the three major McFarlane shows. It features a mom and dad who actually love each other and are invested in their kids, and it's more grounded than the other two. Sure, their neighbor is a talking bear, but there's no baby trying to kill his mother, there's no alien trying to have sex with everyone in the family, and the family overall gets along and works as a unit. Upon revisiting the show, I realized there are some things that don't age particularly well, even other than the fact that this was a show about black people created by a white guy and starring another white guy, but it's overall still pretty sweet and funny.

In the first episode of this Family Guy spin-off, Cleveland returns to his hometown and marries his childhood sweetheart, Donna, who is now a single mom to 15-year-old Roberta and 5-year-old Rallo. Cleveland brings a third child to the family, his son Cleveland Jr., and Donna mothers them all equally, in a way that's caring but not obsessive or overbearing, putting her at the top of the McFarlane moms trio. Which is impressive because Donna's own mother walked out on her when she was a baby, leaving her to be raised by her Auntie Momma who is actually her uncle Kevin in drag, and the treatment of that character is ... one of the other elements in this show that really makes you cringe.

So what does Donna do wrong? Well, for one thing, she lies to her kids. She does the Santa Claus thing, like a lot of parents do, but she tells a more elaborate lie by convincing Rallo that the reason his biological father never visits him is that he's an FBI agent, even writing letters that are supposedly from his father who is on missions overseas.

This is not as bad as a lie Lois Griffin concocted. When Chris did not get any valentines in preschool, Lois and Peter told him that he would get a lot of valentines from "Arthur Valentine," who comes every year on Valentine's Day and leaves candies and cards for little girls and boys that have not said any swears. Ten years later, Chris still eagerly leaves out a can of tuna and a cigar for Arthur Valentine, who he loves so much. This is obviously an exaggerated version of the Santa Claus thing, but it brings to mind a question for anyone on my blog who has kids, cuz I don't - if you do the Santa Claus thing, how do you handle the conversation when they realize Santa Claus isn't real? A few years ago, I was on a video call with some of my friends, two of whom have kids, and I asked that question out of genuine curiosity because when I found out Santa wasn't real (don't worry, I was six years old, it wasn't a Chris situation), I was really disappointed, and embarrassed, and felt like my parents had been making me into an idiot and using this thing I loved so much just to try to get me to go to bed on time. I found out one of the kids had gotten out of bed and was listening to the video call, and that kid's mom immediately dropped off the call and I think she wanted to murder me.

Anyway, Chris isn't very smart, so when Lois tried to break the news to her 14-year-old son that Arthur Valentine wasn't real, he didn't accept it, so she then made the logical leap to decide to kill Arthur Valentine. She created an Arthur Valentine mannequin and ran over it with her car while Chris watched. This, obviously, traumatized him, and he became catatonic. They decided the only way to bring him out of his stupor would be for Peter to dress up as Arthur Valentine so he would think he was real again. Which worked, but then Chris thought Peter must be a zombie because he'd seen Arthur Valentine die, and tried to kill his own father. Which is an exaggerated version of all those Christmas songs about seeing Santa make out with your mommy and how he looked kind of like daddy. (SERIOUSLY, WHO DOES THAT? WHAT IS YOUR END GAME IN DRESSING UP LIKE SANTA WHEN YOUR KID ISN'T EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE UP AND THEN MAKING OUT WITH YOUR WIFE? DOES SHE HAVE A FETISH? JUST GROW A BEARD AND GAIN WEIGHT IRL, BRO! UNLESS YOU WORK IN FOOD SERVICE AND YOU CAN'T HAVE FACIAL HAIR!) Seriously, look up the lyrics for "Santa Looked a Lot Like Daddy" by Brad Paisley. I just discovered that song this holiday season and I was like, WHAT THE. "Santa put his arm around mommy, and mommy put her arm around him, if Santa Claus ain't daddy, then I'm gonna tell on them." The kid in that song would have grown up to beat up mall Santas like so many a Charlie Kelly before him.

But, really, as a non-parent, but a former child, I ask, how much should we lie to our kids? Donna drops the lying thing in a season 4 episode, the season where maybe they knew they were going to get canceled and kind of go off the rails. Donna had been taking Rallo bowling but using virtual bumpers so that Rallo could never get a gutter ball, while not doing that for herself, so Rallo always beat her, and believed he was a pro bowler. One day she takes the bumpers off and Rallo realizes that he sucks. He then asks if Donna actually thought all his drawings were good, and she tells him, no, they were terrible, but it's fine because kids suck at everything (which she does through a musical number called "Kids Suck at Everything").

Obviously, you could not expect five-year-old Rallo to be a pro bowler or a magnificent artist. If he were performing above his age, you might recognize talent and support it, but if you lavish too much praise on a kid, it will go to their head and may screw them up. You need to draw the line. For example, there's me, a.k.a. every kind of cautionary tale.

When I was 10, I wrote a novel called "Wolf Moon." It was egregiously bad. It was about a 10-year-old girl (go figure) named Annetta Bell (a name I stole from a minor Anne of Green Gables character) who lived in ... the history past? I knew nothing of history, so I think it was supposed to be the late 1800s or the early 1900s but what they had access to and did not have access to was very out of whack. Her parents did ... something? Did they have a farm? Were they Little House on the Prairie? Was unclear. Anyway, Annetta finds an orphaned wolf pup and brings it home, which everyone is averse to because her older sister Sharon was scared by a wolf or something and fell down and now she can't walk and never leaves her room. But the wolf pup turns out to be wolf Jesus and saves Annetta and her siblings' lives multiple times, fighting things like drowning, bees, and fire. And Sharon realizes she could walk all along, she just needed the power of friendship, and finally makes it down the stairs, astonishing her family. It. Was. That. Bad. It ends with us finding out the small southern Illinois town (are there even wolves in southern Illinois? I did not research) still has a statue of a wolf in his honor.

Well, it SHOULD have ended there, but I wrote "Wolf Moon 2," which was actually much worse (if you can believe it), and started "Wolf Moon 3," which was going to be even worse and if I had finished it, it might have opened up the gates of hell. That's because my parents went overboard in praising the book that I'd written, telling me that this was definitely going to be a movie someday, and I believed them, already imagining my meetings with the animators (I figured it would be an animated movie) and showing drawings of what the characters would look like (I was also told I was good at art). My parents told me I should bring "Wolf Moon" to school and show it to my classmates, and the few who acknowledged it read three words of it and then made fun of me, but that was fine, they are unenlightened, I am a genius.

I was also told I was good at music. I wasn't. But people told me I was good at singing and playing piano, so I thought I was. Imagine the American Idol auditionees who they put on the air just because it's comic relief that they thought they were talented and they suck, that's probably what I was, I just didn't see it at the time. So, despite my older brother urging me to major in something STEM, I followed my dream and was a double major in music and English. I failed out of the music major because of the no talent thing, and my confidence was so shot that when I took a Creative Writing class, that was required for the major I still had, I couldn't write anything. So, I wrote stories about a girl who could not write, and turned that in, and I passed the class. I was beginning to realize my strengths, if you can call them that, were parody, ridiculousness, and writing about TV shows. So that's where we are now. I don't know how different my life would have been if I hadn't been told "Wolf Moon" was Nobel Prize worthy when I was 10, but, you know, I enjoyed my English classes, other than Creative Writing, and I'm really bad at math and science, so, I guess I have no regrets.

Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh yeah, Donna. When The Cleveland Show was canceled, the Brown family moved back to Quahog and became part of the Family Guy cast. Donna sadly doesn't get very much to do in Family Guy, but when she does, she continues the brutal honesty she showed with Rallo with all the Quahog residents, and remains a loving and protective mother and wife. With Bonnie constantly plotting ways to kill Joe and Lois and Peter not remembering their children's names, Donna is definitely part of the most stable family on Spooner Street.

4. Beth - Rick and Morty

Beth Sanchez-Smith is the most interesting character on Rick and Morty. She's an overlooked genius, a mom who didn't want to be a mom but embraced it anyway, and always tries to maintain a sense of normalcy even though her family is constantly getting into absurd situations.

Beth barely remembers her own mother, who died when Beth was very young, but she idolizes her father, which is her main Achilles heel. She longed to go on adventures with Rick, but was never included. Let's not say for sure Rick is a misogynist, even though he leaves Beth and her daughter Summer out of everything. The reason Rick chooses Morty to be his sidekick might just be because Morty is stupid and has nothing going on and will do whatever he says. In one episode, Beth asks Rick, "Dad, am I evil?" and he replies, "No, it's worse, you're smart." Rick can't have a smart sidekick. He is a one-man operation and Morty is a foil.

Possibly as an act of retaliation, Beth starts dating a complete doofus (Jerry) and gets pregnant with Summer at age 17. Morty is born a few years later, and we have to assume that Beth was doing all the work taking care of two very young children while putting herself through vet school, as she works as a horse surgeon. When the kids are 17 and 14, Rick decides to move in with the family. And that shakes things up, because Beth's main priority is always going to be seeking acceptance from her father. She's prioritized him above her husband and above her children multiple times.

In the episode "Rixty Minutes," the family gets to view what their reality would be like in alternate timelines, including one where Summer was never born. In that reality, Jerry is a movie star and Beth is living her best life, which is apparently being a human surgeon rather than a horse surgeon and drinking wine in a house full of exotic birds. Interesting choice, but, Summer is pretty traumatized by realizing her parents would be happier without her and also, like so many a Meg Griffin and Charlie Kelly before her, she was a failed abortion. However, at the end of the episode, Beth realizes she actually loves her family and the life she ended up having.

While Beth's genius is overall wasted, she does take pride in her position as head of the family and her position as a horse surgeon. In the episode "A Rickle in Time," Beth freaks out when she is initially not allowed to operate on an injured deer, because, like so many a John Locke before her, no one can tell her what she can't do. In the famous episode "Pickle Rick," Beth, currently separated from Jerry, decides she is going to fix the family and starts taking them to therapy. Rick turns himself into a pickle to avoid going to therapy, and that causes Beth to ultimately fail as a mom. She refuses to believe her father would turn himself into a pickle to avoid family therapy, even though her children insist that's what happened, and after the therapy session, when Rick is de-pickled, he suggests that he and Beth go out for a drink and you can tell that just made her day, and the kids' mental issues are forgotten.

The episode "The ABC's of Beth" is a turning point in the series, as we realize that Beth is completely torn between wanting to be a mother and wanting to be free of all obligations and have space adventures like her father. The only solution is for Rick to make a clone of her. So we now have Beth and Space Beth, and Rick doesn't actually know which is the original Beth, or if that matters.

Beth seems to have more of a connection with Summer than with Morty, as she doesn't even blink when Rick says things like, "You're not going to school today, Morty, we're going to planet Galblalon to gather death crystals." This may be because she identifies with Summer as the overlooked female who worships Rick but is never allowed to go on any adventures with him. In the episode where Summer joins a mind-altering dating app and is about to get married to someone she barely knows, Beth yells at her something like "I'm going to mother the **** out of you until you're 18 and even after that until I get imprisoned for nonconsensual mothering and even then I'm going to break out and continue to mother you." But is this Beth actually loving Summer, or is it her pride, like the situation with the deer?

The episode that most shows that Beth loves Summer is "The Whirly Dirly Conspiracy." Summer's boyfriend just dumped her for a prettier girl, and Summer asks Beth if she is attractive. Beth fumbles answering this question, which is kind of funny because Summer looks EXACTLY like Jerry but with different hair. Devastated, Summer tries to use one of Rick's gadgets to improve herself but ends up turning herself into a 100-foot-tall inside out monster that can barely form words. Initially, because of her pride, Beth refuses to ask Rick for help and tries to fix it herself. In the end, she decides to turn herself into a 100-foot-tall, inside out monster so she can go embrace and comfort Summer. Morty, watching the two monstrosities hug and cry, says, "She's a good mom."

You know, I'd mostly agree with you, Morty.

5. Linda - Bob's Burgers

But Mandie, you say, Linda is America's sweetheart! Bob's Burgers is a wholesome show about family love! How could you rank her below the mother from that insane Back to the Future parody where the parents were separated for an entire season and the two kids have a giant incest baby floating around in space? Calm down, Linda still made the "good" half of the list.

Don't get me wrong, I very much enjoy Bob's Burgers. There are some plot lines and characters that do annoy me, but overall it is very funny. And, I find Linda kind of terrifying.

Linda fetishes the idea of being a mother. To the point where you realize it's not really about the kids, it's all about her. We've all known moms like that, right? Because she is obsessed with being a mom, she doesn't want her kids to grow up, and so she infantalizes them. What nine-year-old girl should still wear bunny ears? What eleven-year-old boy should still take baths with his mom every weekend and have a complete meltdown when bath Saturday moves to bath Sunday and be incapable of spending even two minutes alone? When I was little, I had an imaginary friend and my mom made me give it up. I was four. Linda, however, encourages the things that make her children unfit for society, because, like the Hummel figurines she collects, they're "her little babies." If one of Linda's kids had an imaginary friend they talked to in public, Linda would encourage the hell out of that and probably start talking to the imaginary friend as well and making up other imaginary friends for the friend and convincing the kid that they were real, and the kid would continue to talk to a slew of imaginary friends for the rest of their lives.

Let's face it, Linda is mentally ill and many times is unable to face change or reality. For example, when their couch breaks and Bob and Louise (the only logical people in the family) decide they need to get a new couch, Linda has a breakdown because she has so many memories with HER BABIES on this couch. No one else in the family cares, but Linda has to have her way, so they have to track down the couch. When some Christmas ornaments the kids made when they were younger go missing, Linda has another breakdown and has to interrogate everyone in the town, kind of ruining everyone's Christmas because no one else in the family really cares, the kids even offer to make her new ornaments, but she wants the ones HER BABIES already made her. 

And then there's the episode where she decides she needs a perfect family photo (I swear, every sitcom ever has an episode where one person in the family is obsessed with having a perfect family photo) so they go to a national park, she forces the family to hike three miles to the top of a cliff even though no one wants to, and then after taking the picture she drops her camera into a crevice. She catches the camera, but she can't pull both her hand and the camera out, so she refuses to leave. Everyone else is urging her to let go of the camera, saying they're freezing and want to go home, but she won't. Even when a park ranger shows up at closing time and tells her that if they do not leave the park, they will be escorted out and charged a huge fine, she won't let go. I kind of wanted her to abandon the camera and have a moment of character growth that would make her less insane, but, Linda always gets her way, so Louise figures out a way that they can twist Linda's arm to recover the camera.

In addition to refusing to let her babies grow up and celebrating things about them that will make them social outcasts, Linda always must get her way and will not rest until she does. This includes things she wants, things her babies want, and things she wants for her babies that they do not necessarily want. Let's take a look at her relationships with each of her children.

We'll start with Tina, the oldest. While Gene is 100% a mommy's boy and Louise is 100% a daddy's girl, Tina is ... really neither? All of her affection seems to be for boys and for horses. When Tina turns 13, all she wants is to have her first kiss at her birthday party with her crush, Jimmy Jr. And Linda wants to go to the ends of the earth to make this party and this kiss happen, including Bob having to get a second job and shave off his mustache. Did Jimmy Jr consent to this kiss? No. But Tina was lying on the floor moaning and saying that nothing mattered if this kiss didn't happen. By backing Tina up that her first kiss on her 13th birthday was something that she definitely had to have, Linda was, essentially, sowing the seeds of Tina becoming a grown-up Linda someday. And that's continued. There's an episode where Tina hears the word "prom" and realizes she hasn't secured Jimmy Jr as a date for the prom that won't happen for four years and has a complete breakdown. You're really screwing up your kid, Linda.

Relationships are a two-way street, and no one is entitled to anything. When I went to camp at age 14 and told one of my (almost Tina-level socially awkward) cabinmates that I'd never been kissed or had a boyfriend, she asked, "Is there something wrong with you?" I mean, probably a lot, but hopefully not as much as Tina. Can you imagine how much weirder it would be, though, if I said, "My mom went to great lengths to have my neighbor kiss me." If Linda were a better mother, she would have told Tina that her first kiss would happen when it happened, and that she didn't have to be devastated if it's not with this specific person on this specific night. But, Linda is Linda.

Then, there's Gene. Gene's relationship with his mom is disturbing (though there's an animated mother-son duo later in this list that is worse). In an episode where the family develops worms and they realize the worms started with Gene, Linda ponders how Gene could have given any of them worms. They then show a flashback montage that includes Linda and Gene Lady and the Tramp style eating some spaghetti and kissing on the mouth. In one episode, Gene shaves the back of his head and starts looking like Bob, I forget why, and Linda doesn't find that weird at all and prefers the small Bob to her actual husband.

Linda also celebrates Gene's weirdness, which is much louder and more publicly embarrassing than Tina's quiet weirdness. Gene sings about his poops and farts and has something called "The Gene Show" that is basically him screaming in people's faces and wobbling around saying "jiggly jiggly jiggly" and Linda thinks the world needs to see it. In one episode Linda bribes a community theater director to get Gene a part in a play, and tells Gene that he got it of his own merit.

Finally, we have Louise, the only child who seems to recognize that Linda is nuts, and the only child who seems to resist Linda's efforts to infantilize all of them. In one episode, Linda decides that to make Louise her baby again, she's going to bribe her with cash to go to a mother-daughter therapy session that involves pouring "umbilical soup" into her mouth with a funnel and shoving her into a "uterus bag" so that they can recreate her birth. This is pretty horrifying, and maybe the best example of Linda fetishizing being a mother. It's surprising she didn't react to Louise's resistance by immediately having another baby, which is what my #7 on this list tried to do. 

In conclusion, while Linda is a mediocre-at-best mother, she's an overall good person, and the mom on this list that I would most like to be friends with. She's obsessed with her kids, yes, but she can be obsessed with just about anything. She's not one of those people who would prefer to just be friends with other mothers. One of my best friends who had recently got married once told me, "It's so nice to have married friends" and it secretly cut me to the core. Linda has plenty of friends who have never been married or had kids, and she loves hanging out with just anyone. You could have a conversation with her about ketchup or Broadway musicals or raccoons or any number of tangents, and she'd probably care about your day more than you did.

Anyway, if you're still here, which you're definitely not, thank you for reading about the good half of the moms. See you in part two.