Recently, while not feeling well, I decided I needed the most optimistic and soothing movie ever. So, I watched Hairspray.
I had not seen Hairspray since it was in theaters. I had forgotten how little story there is in this movie, and I had also forgotten that what little story there is, is completely about the female characters. I mean, I love Zac Efron since he was the perfect Ted Bundy (that came out wrong), but he really doesn't do anything other than fall in love with Tracy.
I started thinking about other musicals where male characters are not super fleshed out, and that inevitably led me to think about the musical I have the longest and most conflicted relationship with: Les Miserables.
I grew up in a Les Miserables home. My mom became obsessed with the 10th anniversary recording, so it became one of the only CD's my dad would play in the car and also we probably watched it every time it was on PBS. How we held out without pledging money and getting a Les Miserables tote bag is completely beyond me.
Les Mis is possibly the most iconic musical of all time. There's so much that's great about it, but it definitely has its weaknesses.
One is that the main character is kind of boring, when he should be THE MOST INTERESTING MAN IN THE WORLD. I mean, if you're a theater kid from my generation, when you think Les Mis, do you think, "Yeah, Valjean rules!" No. You probably think about the barricade, or Fantine, or Eponine, or Javert's suicide, or anything but Valjean. It doesn't help that "Bring Him Home," while vocally challenging, is the slowest and most boring song in all of musical theater. It also doesn't help that Valjean's character could kind of be replaced by a cardboard cutout that spurts the words "Morality! Redemption!" randomly and no plot elements would be lost.
SIDE NOTE: You would not feel this way if you had read the book. I did, in fact, attempt to read the book. I was 11 and thought myself very smart because I had read BOTH Jurassic Park novels, so I checked it out from the library. I skipped all the parts I thought were boring. Any part where the students were talking to each other, any part relating to the social situation the book was probably addressing, I skipped. So basically, I skipped 75% and read only the parts involving the female characters.
Essentially all the good that checking out Les Mis from the library did was I got in an argument with my aunt at Thanksgiving about whether Gavroche was one of the Thenardiers' kids. She did not believe that I'd read the book (well, I guess, I really didn't) and thought I'd made this up or had some kind of Les Mis fever dream, and I totally don't blame her for thinking that.
The biggest weakness of Les Mis, the musical, though, is Marius. I mean, he sucks.
Marius and Cosette, the musical version, is the worst love story of all time. Like, imagine if Marius were just a normal dude who didn't sing. His story arc is basically "I saw a hot chick in the street and I have had a radical awakening that hot chicks exist! I am now completely obsessed! Can anyone find out where she lives? Hey, you, ugly friendzone girl, can you pass her a note for me?" If this hadn't been reciprocated, Marius would have ended up in the "nice guys" subreddit.
"A Heart Full of Love" is also the worst song name ever. Like, did some kind of love song bot generate that?
Marius is, ultimately, a whiny bitch. His entire character is based around thinking Cosette was hot. Sure, he cries about his dead friends later, but he was spared only because he thought Cosette was hot so her guilt-ridden "Morality! Redemption!" dad carried his ass out of there.
SIDE NOTE: My view of Marius might be slightly warped because I grew up on the 10th anniversary edition, where what should have been an impoverished lovestruck teen was played by a stocky middle-aged man with a huge, belting voice. I mean, Michael Ball, dude, you're a great singer, but how the hell did you get cast as Marius? You're not the right age, you don't have the right type of voice, and if I remember correctly you were sweating and blowing snot bubbles in Lea Salonga's hair during "A Little Fall of Rain."
I saw another concert rendition of Les Mis where Marius was played by a Jonas brother or something and that worked a lot better. Was Eddie Redmayne a good Marius in the movie? I have no idea, I think he just cried the whole time.
So why did Marius suck so much in the musical? From what I actually did read in the book, Marius had a personality and had actual conversations with Cosette and Eponine (yeah I mainly read the parts with female characters). The musical did have to take several hundred pages of book and cram it in to a few hours on stage, but it chose to take only the whiny bitch portions of Marius's character.
It could have done better. Because The Phantom of the Opera did.
I had to read The Phantom of the Opera senior year of high school. My main takeaway was that Raoul is the whiniest bitch in all of literature. But, the Phantom of the Opera musical kind of did the opposite with Raoul of what the Les Mis musical did with Marius. They used the non-whiny-bitch aspects of his character. His love story with Christine seems more genuine. He's confident, he's protective of her without being overly possessive. (Am I just saying this because I'm in love with Patrick Wilson? PROBABLY.)
SIDE NOTE: Even though Cosette is the female lead in Les Mis, doesn't that role have to kind of suck? I mean, you have to hit the highest note in the world multiple times but you still don't get your own song, the audience is rooting against you because they like Eponine better, and worst of all you end up with a lifetime of Marius. Watch the movie. Look at Amanda Seyfried. She is dead inside. The spark that we saw in "Mean Girls" is gone. Watch the YouTube videos of the cast rehearsing for the Academy Awards. You can tell she is wishing for death.
TAKEAWAYS
Ladies, do not base your romantic ideals on musicals.
Marius sucks. He is good only for falling in love with girls he has not actually talked to, and also almost dying and needing to be carried out of places. (PLEASE DISREGARD THAT I WAS AND STILL AM 100% ON TEAM PEETA)
Zac Efron may be adorable, but his character is not believable, and he is much more believable as someone who will leave you to kill multiple women and your only hope for comfort is a tragically underused grownup version of the kid who saw dead people.
If you must base your romantic ideals on musicals, find a Patrick Wilson. He has been in many horror movies and can probably protect you from ghosts.
